i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
