I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
