I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
