the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
