When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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