the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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