my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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