took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
