it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He felt like a one man threesome
And the cops told us we were all naked.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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