I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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