my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
