Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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