Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
