I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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