From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
