rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
