i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
