worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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