I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
