It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
