I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
