Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i think i just lost a toe
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
