I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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