We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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