We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
