Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
