dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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