My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
