Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
