I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
