and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
