It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
