im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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