got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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