You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
