How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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