So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
