think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
