the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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