you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
