So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
