This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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