he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
