Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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