I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
