I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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