rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
