OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
