took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
