Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
