just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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